Monday, May 20, 2013
Introduction to the being
I grew up with my mom and dad, and my older sister in a middle class home, a happy place on the outskirts of a small city. I was a happy kid with a very few, very close frieds. I've always been kind of awkward, and not too good at social situations. I think its because im afraid of being a nuisance, and thus i don't easily branch out to people. Even when i was just a kid I was afraid to knock the door of my best friends house, and I'm still not exactly sure why. This is a trait I've carried to this day, and it makes it troublesome to make new friends, and the ones I have always have to make the first call. Something they still fortunately do to this day. Thank you.
Anyways, the years flew past like they would for any other kid: Playing with my friends and my video games whenever none of them were available. I did very well at school, although i was a little bit lazy, and proccrastinated a lot.This behaviour continued as i entered into middle school, up until the last semester of Jr. High. I had a girlfriend at this point, a sweet girl who's complete contradictory to myself, extremely outgoing.
It was amazing, because she managed to get the best out of me, around her i wasn't shy. I never had to make the first move, which made me relax and just enjoy her presence. However, she also made me realise that all the people around me were wearing masks.
I had known this girl for a long time, all through elementary school, but i knew little about her family or psyche. Her parents were seperated and she lived with her dad in a small house not far from mine. Her father was a short tempered guy, but he loved his children with all his heart, which was very clear, and they loved him back, so I wasn't alarmed.
One night a recieved a series of text messages from her, regarding her uncle. Her dad was having friends over and they were drunk, she was laying in her bed pretending to sleep when her uncle had come into the room and looked at her for a long while. He moved up to her and bent over her, running his fingers down her body. While this was goig on her dad entered the room and caught him red handed. A violent commotion ensued and her uncle was banned from the home.
We didn't talk much about this incident, and she seemed to joke it off the whole time, but it slowly came to my attention that she was changed. She kept her smile at school, and tried her best not to talk about it to anyone, however it was clear that she was deeply disturbed by the event. She quickly fell into deep depression and broke up with me soon after. I kept contact with her, wanting to help, but spending all your time with someone who is deeply depressed is almost like a hyper contagious virus. It grew on me and dragged me down. It changed my view on people around me, and more and more people came forth to me with their struggles. I dont know why. Maybe I was good at comforting people? Anyways, the sheer amount of people struggling was disturbing. They were all wearing masks with huge smiles, while on the inside they were bleeding. Just like me.
I started opening my eyes to the world around me, while ironically, I started isolating myself. I skipped a class here, and another there. Soon i stopped going to school entirely. Afraid of seeing the real extent of the apathy of human beings. We're not only destroying ourselves, but the world we live in. Every day i witness something foul and disturbing, either in the real world or online. I might make another post about that later, although i find it very hard to describe my feelings with words.
Moving on, I never really got rid of this depression, and it haunted me as i started High school, which ended up being a rerun of Jr. High and finally me dropping out. Im currently in an internation high school, finding myself going through the same periode again. Why? I have no idea.
If you read this far, I'm truly amazed, and happy that my existence have been noticed by someone. I'll wrap it up here as it got way too long, thank you for reading.